There are days when I just ready am to throw in the towel and say the hell with it. Monday was one of those days. A day where it felt like nothing I do would ever be good enough. That no matter how hard I work it’s not enough. When I think I might finally be able to pull ahead a bit I find myself getting pushed back even further than where I started where I started from to the point where I can’t even see the original start line. Monday was NOT a good day. It was a day where I was struggling like to see the point continuing the fight.
I didn’t act on those thoughts and at the time wasn’t planning too either. But it was where I was at and it was important to me to be honest with myself about it. To be honest with the people in my life that I care about, and I know care about me. I was scared and didn’t want to die, I just wanted to stop feeling the way I was. To stop thinking and struggling with the images in my head. I reached out and talked to someone I knew I could trust which helped. It didn’t make everything go away but it gave me a much-needed lifeline. It reminded me that I wasn’t alone.
The hardest part about the battle that was waging inside my head Monday was there were so many conflicting thoughts occurring at the same time. I WANT to LIVE. I have goals that I’m working toward, and Tuesday I was able to see some real progress being made toward reaching those goals. But at that moment, as I was sitting in my car with both tears and snot running down my face the overwhelming sense of failure was all consuming.
Recovery isn't all sunshine and puppies. Its dealing with the trials and tribulations life throws at you and fighting through all of it to survive. Monday is a bad day. A day where the fight felt impossible, pointless and like there was no chance of winning. But I wasn’t ready to give up completely. Even as I felt completely defeated, I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel. At the time I didn't know how things would turn out, and still don’t, but trying to believe they will.
I decided to share this because I want people to see the reality of what living with mental illness and suicidal thoughts looks like. It is my hope that someone reading this might find some sense of comfort knowing they're not alone. That someone else will see this and look at suicidal thoughts differently. That maybe, just maybe this will spark a conversation and people will be trying to look at things differently. But mostly I'm putting this out there because I'm tired of feeling like this. Tired of fighting. Tired of hiding what's going on inside my head.
It’s time to take off the mask and let people see the raw reality of my experiences from the last few days. I’m thankful that I’m doing better today. The hopelessness has lessened significantly since Monday, but the struggle is still part of my daily experience. I know with time it will ease up and I’ll find myself on a more even plane. I know that life is messy and there will be days when the roller coaster of emotions hits and I’ve find myself faced with the darkness as I have so many times before. But I also know that I will continue to fight and use the skills I’ve learned to hang on for as long as I can because I’m not ready to give up yet.